My deep dive session was much more than I ever imagined. I was open, but I didn’t anticipate it to be SO intense. I guess I was ready. The biggest light bulb moment was when my future self got fierce with me and said that I needed to commit to breaking the ancestral pattern in my female lineage. I KNOW this to be true. I also really got it when she said that I don’t need to do anything but open my heart fully and to courageously step into my power…and to not be afraid of my light dimming others.
I also really found the claiming of my core values in my pre-work to be a powerful exercise and have been integrating and claiming them since over the last week.
I’ve noticed that the only thing getting in the way of me living out these core values is my own blocks and defenses. Over the past few days I have had several opportunities to release these blocks as well as heal some of the patterns. It hasn’t been anything earth shattering, but it has been EXACTLY what I’ve been asking or…EASE, FLOW, NATURAL GUIDANCE, INSTINCTUALLY BEING ABLE TO DO WHAT IS NEEDED (which includes radical self care of my body), DEEP PRESENCE FOR MY HUSBAND AND KIDS!
Also, I found myself totally looking forward to my Friday and Monday classes. I had none of the old feelings that have been present up until now (dread, worry, fatigue). I found that I had even more confidence in listening to my guides during class and I was especially grounded and calm after class (no remorse or worry).
Today (June 5) I had the opportunity to go on a journey with a shaman in a drumming circle organized by my yoga teacher, Michelle. Kim led us on an inner journey using drumming. My experience was as follows:
I found myself sitting across from an elder (first nation), he was smoking a pipe and he was very gentle yet very serious. He then put on an eagle mask and we began to dance to the rhythms of the drum. He said he had a message for me. He said I was a teacher and I had important things to contribute. Then there was an incredibly bright light that flooded my body, it felt incredible. Then the light went away and became a dark light and I was moving down a dark, dark tunnel.
The elder transformed into a woman, she was a midwife, and I began to feel contractions and pain in my pelvis. I was lying down, so I put my feet on the ground (knees up) and I felt as if I was giving birth. There was tremendous energy moving through my sacrum and lower back and into my uterus and pelvis, I actually felt my cervix expanding. It was not painful, but it was intense. The midwife was coaching me saying it was ok to birth this darkness and to release it from within.
Then the journey continued. Kim, the Shaman, guided us to go into a passage way and emerge in the upper world. I went through a cave, it was a cave on Miracle Beach in Vancouver Island. I went in and in and emerged on top of a mountain sitting with the elder again. The elder told me that the birth was about my birth and my grief at not being met fully by mom (and still not being met my her). The birth was my re-birth into light. Then the Divine Mother came and she poured pink light into me, she put her hands over my breasts and drew out the fibroids and filled them with healing energy. She said I needed to love my implants and bless them and the same with my nipples. Their beauty was an expression of me and I was entitled to have them AND be healthy.
Then a bald eagle came (my totem animal) and carried away the darkness of my cancer and of my grief, he grasped them in his talons and he told me that he was ALWAYS available to carry away any of my burdens and to carry me into the light.
The other thing that was pretty cool, but actually felt much more significant than just “cool” was that I learned that the totem animals of the four directions are as follows:
East – Eagle
South – Wolf
West – Bear
North – Buffalo
What is so crazy is that my totem animal is the Eagle, Clara’s is the Wolf, Ayla’s is the Buffalo and I’ve always suspected Dave’s is the Bear! I talked to Kim about this afterwards and she asked me several questions that would help determine if Dave’s is a bear and it sure seemed to fit. She said it was very significant that the four of us were walking this life together and that each of us were needed in our circle. I found this to be very affirming and increased my perceptions of Dave and opened up, yet another, layer of my heart to him!!